Just Give Me My Minute

I have been on a consignment spree...selling off baby clothes, swings, bottles...if it has an association with a baby under 12 months, its gone.  Great, right?

Well, give me a minute. 

When you are a little girl, you dream of your wedding day.  Maybe you dream of a wedding on the beach, or on a hillside with just you and your husband to be.  Maybe you dream of a church filled of people.  You think about the dress...ballroom gown...mermaid gown...hair up?  Hair down?  I remember wanting everyone to have a good time and being surrounded by those who cared most for me.  I had that day.  It was the perfect celebration for us.

When you are a little girl, if you want to be a mom, you start dreaming of having children.  You play silly games to see how many kids you will have and if it will be boys or girls.  What will it be like...what will they look like...and what you will name them?  Of course you have a boy's name and a girl's name.  And of course the boy will come first and the girl will come second.  No one tells you the hardships of conceptation, or the pain of child birth (thank goodness!) and you are able to create a "perfect" family in your imagination.  Then, you have a child...and all you want is for the baby to be healthy.  Who cares if its a boy or girl?  Who cares if everyone approves of the name?  You are a mother.  You now have that dream fulfilled.  Well, kind of.  Many women go on to have one more, some two more and me, well, we all know by now I have five total.  My dream of having children has been accomplished five times over...I AM a mom, a caregiver, a cook, a maid, a teacher, a referee, a scheduler, a coach, a cheerleader, an advocate.  

I am cleaning up and packing up baby toys, accessories, and clothes.  Should I hold on to this because it was Leah's favorite rattle?  Those first pair of Robeez shoes, keep or sell?  Their first birthday outfits...fold them up and put them in a box to keep.  That toy that randomly goes off in the night, its time to pass that on to someone else!  That receiving blanket sure got a lot of use...I will pack it away and pass it on to one of the kids for their baby.  Hold on, WHAT?  Their kids?  Really?  Is that the next step?  I know we have preschool, tee ball games and middle school dances, high school drama, learning to drive and with any luck, 5 college tuition's in between...but I am packing these baby things up for their kids?  How did I get here?  Where did the time go?  Am I really done with babies in the house?

Short answer, yes.  I will not be having any more babies.  That's realistic.  But I do want to reserve the right to be sad about it sometimes.  Although I had complications with my pregnancies, and being pregnant wasn't always fun, I look in the eyes of my five and know that every second was worth it and having them has completed me in so many ways that I never knew.  And to know that I won't be giving life to another being again, well, it makes me sad. I know other moms who say they are glad to be on this side of having children, but I will miss the excitement and overwhelming joy you have the first time you hold your baby.  It doesn't matter if its your first baby, or your fifth baby, the first time you hold that life in your arms your heart finds more love than you ever thought possible.

I'm keeping a box of things...OK, I have 2 boxes, that I can not let go of.  Too many memories.  I will find my way through this transition...no longer having children...becoming the mom who's "done"...but I am not going to lie, I am not sure I had prepared myself to be "that mom".  And I think its taken since the triplets birth to realize it.  I smile and nod when people say, "you must be done having kids," responding only with a look.  Its reality. We are "done".  Just give me my minute.

The five outside on a warm winter's day